There’s a duality in me—two people, one who has lost themselves and another who never found themselves to begin with. These two selves lived within me, at times harmonizing, but often clashing, pulling me in opposite directions. They’ve shaped how I’ve experienced love, growth, and loss, both within myself and in the relationships I’ve attracted. My story is one of recognizing this inner dynamic and understanding how it has mirrored into my external relationships. It is a journey of spiritual awakening, of discovering that the connection I sought in others was ultimately about finding wholeness within.
When I look back, I see the part of me who was once anchored, grounded, and self-aware—a version of me who knew my values, my purpose, and my worth. This self was strong but, at times, vulnerable to external forces. I’ve lost this part of me before, letting relationships, societal pressures, and my own fears erode my sense of identity. The process of losing myself wasn’t sudden. It happened slowly, like sand slipping through my fingers, leaving me clinging to the remnants of who I used to be. The pain came not just from the loss itself but from the memory of knowing who I was and feeling I might never find her again.
But then there’s the other self—the one who never truly had an anchor to lose. This version of me was restless, searching, and disconnected from any deeper sense of identity. She lived in masks, defined by the roles she thought she had to play and the opinions of others. She was a stranger to herself, constantly running from the stillness that might force her to confront the emptiness within. This part of me was terrified of love—not because she didn’t crave it, but because she didn’t know how to receive it. Authenticity, intimacy, and vulnerability were foreign concepts. She feared the light others might see in her, because she didn’t know how to access it for herself.
These two selves have coexisted within me, shaping the relationships I’ve entered and the dynamics that played out. When I lost myself, it was often to someone who mirrored the part of me that never found herself—a person who hadn’t yet awakened to their own truth, just as that part of me hadn’t. The dynamic was magnetic, yet destructive. They were attracted to my light, the part of me that had once been whole, just as I was drawn to their chaos, the part of me that still lived in shadow. But the light and the shadow couldn’t sustain each other. The relationship mirrored the internal conflict within me: one self yearning for growth and healing, the other afraid to let go of familiar patterns of fear and avoidance.
From a psychological perspective, this dynamic can be understood through the lens of Carl Jung’s concept of the shadow self—the unconscious parts of us that we deny, suppress, or fail to integrate. The unawakened part of me—the self that never found herself—was my shadow. She represented the fears, insecurities, and unresolved wounds I had yet to face. And just as our shadow selves project outward, I found partners who mirrored this inner conflict. They, too, were lost in their own shadows, unable to face their truths, much less offer the kind of love and connection I craved.
Spiritually, this journey has been about awakening to the truth of who I am. Losing myself taught me the importance of values, morals, and boundaries—the ethical framework that grounds a spiritually enlightened person. The part of me who was anchored in these principles understood love as a sacred connection, rooted in respect, honesty, and mutual growth. But the unawakened self didn’t see love this way. To her, love was something to chase, something to earn, or something to fear. She lacked the awareness to understand that true love begins within, with self-compassion and authenticity.
The awakening came when I realized that these two selves weren’t separate—they were parts of the same whole. The self that lost herself and the self that never found herself were both me, each holding lessons I needed to learn. The one who lost herself taught me resilience and the importance of remembering my values even in the face of external pressures. The one who never found herself taught me the necessity of self-exploration, stillness, and courage—the willingness to face the parts of myself I’d avoided for so long.
In this process, I came to understand the spiritual principle of duality: light cannot exist without shadow, just as growth cannot occur without struggle. The relationships I attracted reflected this principle. They showed me the parts of myself I needed to heal, even when the lessons were painful. The people who mirrored my unawakened self weren’t my enemies—they were my teachers. They held up a mirror to the parts of me that still needed to awaken, just as I held up a mirror to them.
From a moral and ethical perspective, the journey of losing and finding myself has deepened my understanding of responsibility. A spiritually awakened person understands that growth requires accountability—both for our actions and for the energy we bring into relationships. The unawakened self resists this, pointing fingers, deflecting blame, and avoiding the hard truths. But the awakened self knows that love, whether for ourselves or others, cannot flourish without integrity and self-honesty.
The ultimate realization is that this journey is about coming into alignment—integrating the light and shadow within me, and in doing so, attracting relationships that reflect this wholeness. Losing myself taught me how to reclaim my power, while never having found myself taught me how to create it in the first place. Together, these lessons have shown me that the relationship I have with myself is the foundation for every relationship I will ever have.
Now, when I encounter someone who reminds me of the unawakened part of myself, I don’t judge them. I see their struggle because I’ve lived it. But I also know that I can’t save them. Just as I had to take responsibility for my own awakening, so must they. This is the moral clarity that comes with spiritual growth: understanding that love is an offering, not a rescue mission.
In the end, the two selves within me have reconciled. They no longer pull me in opposite directions but walk together, side by side, guiding me toward greater self-awareness and deeper connection with the world around me. And in this alignment, I’ve found peace.
This reconciliation of self, with self, is the higher purpose for us all. I am yet unsure if it is a process possible to ever complete, as we are infinite beings having an infinite experience at an energetic level, but this has become the most important reconciliation to me, now: to be whole and complete with Source.
The Twin Tree Project 