Letting Go and Learning the Hard Way
Letting go has never been easy for me. Over the years, I’ve had to say goodbye to many people—some to death, and others who are still very much alive. As difficult as losing loved ones to death is, I’ve found that the hardest goodbyes are with those who are still here, walking their own paths, but no longer part of my life. These separations are a constant struggle. There’s something uniquely painful about letting go of someone who continues to exist, yet no longer fits into your story.
But through these losses, I’ve learned some of the most valuable lessons of my life. Lessons that were seeded in my childhood, but only became fully clear through experience and reflection. Lessons I’ve come to realize aren’t taught enough in today’s world.
I see and hear from so many people who unknowingly become their own worst enemies, repeating the same cycles in different environments, expecting external change to fix internal problems. But here’s the truth: Changing your environment—a new career, a new home, a new relationship—will not wipe your slate clean.
A new job won’t fix your dissatisfaction with work. A new relationship won’t solve the recurring challenges you face with others. A new location won’t erase the baggage you carry from your old one. That’s not how transformation works.
True change begins within. You can have as many slates as you’re willing to work for, but the key is this: If you do the work on yourself—truly work from the inside out—then one slate is enough. That single slate can carry you through the rest of your life, because it’s not about erasing the external markers of your past. It’s about rewriting your internal story.
Only after doing that inner work can you begin to make changes in your outer life without repeating the same mistakes or clinging to the same limiting beliefs. This realization didn’t come easily. It took loss, grief, and hard-earned growth to understand it fully. The following lessons are ones I live by, and I hope they can help others break free from their own cycles and move toward a life of clarity, peace, and fulfillment.
The Power of the Present Moment
Staying in the “here and now” is one of the most grounding, yet challenging, practices we can embrace. Our minds are constantly pulled in two directions—dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. But life only happens in the present.
The idea of “the now” is why I’m drawn to Eastern philosophies and belief systems, as well as the teachings of Western philosophers like Alan Watts and Ram Dass. These thinkers emphasize the profound importance of being fully present. Ram Dass’s famous reminder, “Be here now,” distills the essence of this concept into something both simple and life-changing. Similarly, Alan Watts often explored how our relentless striving for a better future or our obsession with the past robs us of the only thing we truly have—this moment.
Eastern philosophies, like Buddhism and Taoism, view the present moment not as a fleeting second to be endured on the way to something else, but as the essence of life itself. They teach that by fully immersing ourselves in the now—free from judgment, attachment, or expectation—we can find a deep sense of peace and clarity. This resonates deeply with me because it’s so easy in today’s fast-paced world to forget that the future isn’t guaranteed, and the past cannot be undone.
When you focus on the moment you’re in, you free yourself from the burdens of “what was” and “what might be.” You gain clarity on what’s truly important: the choices and opportunities available to you right now.
Actionable Insight: Start small. When you feel your thoughts drifting backward or forward, gently guide them back to the present by asking: What can I do today to move toward joy or peace?
Duality: You Can’t Have Light Without Shadow
Life is built on contrasts, but it’s not all black and white. There are gray areas, where life feels uncertain and nuanced. And then, there are areas of vibrant color, where emotions and experiences are amplified in ways we never expected. Without sadness, happiness would lose its meaning. Without struggle, success wouldn’t feel as rewarding. Duality is not an obstacle—it’s a teacher, guiding us to embrace the full spectrum of life and find beauty in its complexity.
Let me rewind a bit. Existence—life—is about energy, and understanding how energy works is crucial for much of what we discuss here (we’ll explore this in depth in an upcoming piece). For now, though, you need to understand this: negative energy feeds itself. Darkness feeds itself. It perpetuates easily, like a fire that spreads rapidly with little effort.
But light? Positive energy? That must be continuously fed.
What does that mean? Goodness, positivity, and love are not self-sustaining. They require deliberate effort, conscious intention, and daily practice to maintain. If you stop nurturing them—if you don’t feed them—they wither. Love can starve. Joy can fade. Positivity can be eclipsed by the shadows if you don’t actively work to sustain it.
In contrast, maintaining negativity is effortless. Complaining, worrying, feeling anxious, or harboring anger—these things require no extra work. That’s why so many people exist in a constant state of negativity. It’s the path of least resistance. But here’s the trap: negativity may feel easy, but it’s also far more exhausting in the long run than the effort required to feed light. It drains your energy while tricking you into thinking it’s easier than choosing light.In contrast, maintaining negativity is effortless.
Complaining, worrying, feeling anxious, or harboring anger—these things require no extra work. That’s why so many people exist in a constant state of negativity. It’s the path of least resistance. But here’s the trap: negativity may feel easy, but it’s also far more exhausting in the long run than the effort required to feed light. It drains your energy while tricking you into thinking it’s easier than choosing light.
Feeding the light requires mindfulness and intention. It means choosing gratitude over bitterness, love over anger, and hope over despair—every single day. It’s work, yes, but it’s the kind of work that transforms your life. When you embrace both the light and dark aspects of life, you grow stronger and more resilient. Each experience, whether painful or joyful, adds to your understanding of yourself and the world around you.
Personal Reflection: Think of a time when you faced a challenge that later revealed itself as a gift. What did it teach you about resilience or gratitude?
Surrender and Acceptance: The Path to Freedom
Letting go isn’t the same as giving up. It’s about releasing the need to control what you cannot change. Many of us hold onto grudges, regrets, or a need for closure, hoping they will somehow resolve themselves. But the truth is, holding on only keeps us stuck. Surrender is not weakness—it’s wisdom. When we let go, we create space for healing and growth. Acceptance allows us to move forward unburdened by the weight of what was.
Surrender also means trusting in something larger than yourself, whether that’s the flow of life, a higher power, or simply the unfolding of time. It’s the realization that you don’t have to have all the answers right now. Sometimes, life requires us to stop fighting the current and instead allow it to carry us where we need to go. This doesn’t mean abandoning effort or goals—it means discerning where your energy is best spent and letting go of the futile struggle to control the uncontrollable. In that surrender, we often find unexpected clarity and peace.
Lesson: The only person you can truly change is yourself. When you stop trying to fix others or control external circumstances, you unlock the power to transform your own life.
The Courage to Heal
Healing takes courage. It requires us to confront wounds we’d rather ignore and forgive others—and ourselves—for the past. Forgiveness isn’t about excusing bad behavior; it’s about freeing yourself from the emotional chains that keep you stuck. True healing is an internal process. It doesn’t come from external validation or distractions. It comes from doing the inner work to address your pain, learn from it, and grow beyond it.
Healing also requires patience—both with yourself and the process. It’s not a linear journey, and there will be days when the weight of your wounds feels heavier than others. But healing isn’t about erasing the scars; it’s about learning to carry them with grace. Every time you face the discomfort instead of running from it, you reclaim a piece of your power. The act of healing isn’t just about mending the past—it’s about building a stronger, more resilient foundation for the future.
Reflection Prompt: Ask yourself: What would I release today if I chose forgiveness over resentment?
The Energy of Manifestation
The energy you put out into the world shapes the reality you experience. A fear-based, victim mentality keeps you stuck in a cycle of negativity. Many people are stuck in a victim mentality without even realizing it! For example, to stay angry at someone who hurt you—especially if your automatic conclusion is solely they hurt ME, without taking any accountability for your part in the scenario—is NOT living from your power. It’s the opposite. The reality is that that response comes from a place of fear. It doesn’t make you strong, it makes you spiteful and weak.
Living from your power—which is love, at the core—doesn’t require proving yourself right. It doesn’t even care if you’re right. It’s not about winning or being right in someone else’s eyes—it’s about being right within YOURSELF, in your soul. That alignment is equal to being right with God, or whatever higher power you hold dear. Living from your power means refusing to let anger and negativity steal your present joy.
It means recognizing that while you can’t control others’ actions, you can control your response and take ownership of your role in the situation. When you shift your focus to gratitude and possibilities, your world begins to change.
If you constantly base your actions on proving yourself or making a statement, you may achieve what you desire, but it won’t be nearly fulfilling—not at a soul level. It may temporarily satisfy a void, but it will never fill it because it lacks positive and sincere purpose. Likewise, if you constantly tell yourself, This will never work out, you’re reinforcing a belief that blocks growth. But when you ask, What if this turns out beautifully? you open yourself up to new opportunities and perspectives.
Practice: Replace negative “What ifs” with positive ones. Start imagining success instead of failure, joy instead of disappointment.
Learning Through Crisis
Challenges and crises are not punishments—they are opportunities to grow. When life throws you into chaos, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed or ask, Why me? But reframing these moments as lessons instead of setbacks can transform your perspective. Every crisis holds a mirror to something deeper, often forcing us to confront parts of ourselves or our lives that we’ve ignored or resisted changing.
Crises are often the universe’s way of slowing us down, forcing us to pause and reevaluate. They reveal cracks in the foundation of our lives—whether it’s a toxic relationship, a career that no longer fulfills us, or unhealthy patterns we’ve been avoiding. While these cracks might feel like failures, they are actually opportunities to rebuild something stronger, more aligned with our true selves.
When faced with crisis, we have a choice: to resist the discomfort and stay stuck, or to lean into it and let it teach us what we need to know. This process isn’t easy, and it requires courage to sit with the pain, examine its roots, and allow it to shape us into something better.
A personal example: After experiencing a series of setbacks, I realized they were forcing me to address underlying issues I had avoided for years. What initially felt like a storm of bad luck turned out to be the wake-up call I needed to redirect my energy toward what truly mattered.
Takeaway: Every challenge contains a lesson. Instead of focusing on what the crisis took from you, ask yourself: What is this moment trying to teach me? Often, the darkest times reveal the deepest truths.
Growth from Within
Happiness is an inside job. No new job, relationship, or location can fill the void created by unmet inner needs. True contentment comes from aligning with your values, nurturing your emotional well-being, and learning to fill your own cup. If you don’t address what’s inside, the same problems will follow you, no matter where you go or what you change externally. Inner work is the foundation for lasting transformation.
This is because the patterns and beliefs we carry internally shape how we experience life. You could move to a new city, start a new job, or enter a new relationship, but if your internal wounds remain unhealed, those same feelings of dissatisfaction, frustration, or emptiness will eventually resurface. Lasting happiness requires breaking the cycle—identifying the unmet needs, unresolved pain, and limiting beliefs that keep you stuck. Only by addressing these internal challenges can you create a life that feels genuinely fulfilling, no matter where you are or who you’re with.
Takeaway: Before seeking external solutions, ask yourself: Am I nurturing my own happiness and growth from within?
The Role of Integrity
Living with integrity means aligning your actions with your values, even when it’s hard. It’s about honoring yourself by letting go of what no longer serves you—whether that’s relationships, beliefs, or behaviors. Integrity requires a willingness to be honest, not only with others but, most importantly, with yourself. It’s easy to stay in situations that feel familiar or comfortable, even when they’re out of alignment with who you truly are. But living with integrity demands courage—the courage to make choices that reflect your highest self.
Integrity isn’t about perfection; it’s about consistency. It means showing up authentically, even when it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable. This might mean standing by your values in the face of criticism or making decisions that others don’t understand because you know they align with your truth. Integrity also means owning your mistakes, learning from them, and taking responsibility for the impact of your actions.
When you live with integrity, you create a sense of trust—not just with others, but within yourself. You begin to feel a sense of peace, knowing that your choices are rooted in authenticity. And while it’s not always the easiest path, it’s the one that leads to a life of alignment and fulfillment. After all, how can you truly love or respect yourself if your actions betray your deepest values?
Actionable Insight: Take a moment to reflect on your core values. Are your daily choices—your words, actions, and relationships—in harmony with them? If not, what changes could you make to realign with your integrity?
The Choice to Focus
Life will always have dualities—light and dark, joy and sorrow—but where you place your focus shapes your reality. When you choose to stay present, let go of the past, and nurture positivity, you align yourself with a life of clarity and purpose. You can’t change the past, and you can’t predict the future. But you can shape the present moment. And by doing so, you lay the foundation for a brighter tomorrow.
The beauty of this choice is that it’s always available to you, no matter your circumstances. Even when life feels overwhelming, you can decide to take a single step toward joy, healing, or growth. It doesn’t have to be perfect, and it doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s path. The simple act of shifting your mindset—choosing gratitude over resentment, hope over fear, or love over anger—sets powerful change in motion. Over time, these small choices compound, reshaping your life in ways you may not have thought possible.
Remember: You are not your circumstances. You are not your past. You are what you choose to become, one moment at a time. Start where you are, and trust that even the smallest act of focus and intention can create ripples of transformation that lead you toward the life you truly deserve.
The Twin Tree Project 